Parents & Family Resources
March 2006 Monthly Email
Dear Parents and Families of Colorado State University Students:
As I was running with my puppy before work earlier this week, I was thinking about the variety of phone calls, emails, and visits I have received from parents and families over the past few months. Nearly all of them share a common underlying question: "How involved should I be to best help my student at Colorado State University?" Thus, this month's email provides some perspectives and information regarding your changing role as parents or family members of students at CSU. Going from "director" and "participant" to "mentor" and "coach" is a significant transition that parents and family members go through as their children become college students. There are numerous attachments to this email to support your new-found "consultant" role.
We very much appreciate and respect each of you for your courage and faith in sending your students to Colorado State University. College is a big step that impacts the entire family, and is not taken lightly at CSU. We understand and value the role you have played thus far in helping your students graduate from high school, enroll in higher education, and persist toward earning a college degree (we hope your students also appreciate your involvement in this process)!
As you reflect on your many parenting/familial responsibilities over the years, you may also note your varying degrees of involvement and input in your student's life. Back in elementary school, if your child had difficulty on the playground, perhaps you visited with other parents to learn more about the friendship dynamics amid the children. If your child struggled academically in middle school, perhaps you made an appointment with the teacher to discuss how you could support your student's learning efforts at home. If your adolescent complained about a policy at his/her part-time job while in high school, perhaps you wondered if you should call the manager, or instead you thought about how your son or daughter could work through the problem on his/her own.
As your student grows up, they learn new skills, develop more self-confidence, and are able to take on additional responsibilities leading to adulthood (that's the goal, anyway!).
It may come as a surprise to some of you, however, that leading researchers in the field of human development believe that currently, adolescence extends into the mid-twenties. In a 2002 Newsweek article, Peg Tyre coined the term "adultolescent" as a "whole new breed of child," those individuals in their 20's and 30's still supported by their parents, with no desire for the hallmarks of independence, with no need to rebel or seek autonomy. When asked about the characteristics of adulthood, most students share that adulthood means "taking responsibility for one's self, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent" (Arnett, 2000, p. 474). It is certainly a challenge for colleges and universities across the country to treat students as adults if they don't consider themselves to be adults! Added to this is a new generation of parents who are also doubtful as to the maturity of their college students. As a parent myself, I am often caught in the trap of loving my children so much that I go overboard in my involvement. When conducting some research for another project I'm working on, I found a great article called "Overfacilitation: when it's no longer appropriate to clean up children's messes" by Lucas Lamadrid. I attached it to this email because it provides a great perspective of the difference between facilitation and overfacilitation. Dr. Lamadrid is a dean of students and writes about his father's role in supporting him in college twenty-five years ago. He opens the article with a definition:
"To facilitate means literally to make easier. Parents specialize in this...Facilitation is generally a good thing, but it brings with it the danger of overfacilitatiing. By this, I mean doing something for the young people we are trying to help-whether they be our students or our own children- that they should do for themselves. The motivation behind overfacilitation is nothing less than love..."
Lamadrid's article closes with a call to develop partnerships with parents and families to "facilitate the education of the student without overfacilitating." That is certainly our goal at Colorado State University. We value our relationship with you and wish to provide you with the information and tools to assist your student in the journey toward adulthood. When your student calls you for help, listen to both your head and heart. Respond with thoughtful questions to allow your student to come up with possible solutions. Help your student practice those tough conversations with you so they can then go directly to their professor, or their roommate to tackle the conflict. By listening and guiding, rather than telling and doing, you facilitate their growth and development. When your instinct is to step right in the middle of your student's situation, think about 3-5 years down the line, will you continue stepping into your "gainfully employed" family member's business? At some point, they need the skills and confidence to handle their own issues. Now is the time to help them practice!
We wish you well in this adventure. Attached are a series of short articles and information sheets to assist you in your consultant role!
As always, if you are concerned about something or have questions that haven't been successfully addressed by your student, don't hesitate to call (970) 491-5312, email me (jody.donovan@colostate.edu) or come visit (201 Administration Building).
Sincerely,
Jody Donovan, Director
Student Transitions and Parent & Family Programs
Colorado State University
201 Administration Building
Fort Collins, CO 80526
(970) 491-5312
P.S. The Residence Halls will remain open during spring break but meals will not be served. Residents wishing to stay in the halls for spring break need to sign up with their office managers as soon as possible. On Friday, March 10 all dining centers will maintain normal breakfast and lunch hours but will close at 2pm (Durrell Express and Edwards will be closed all day March 10). Meal service will be suspended from March 11 thru March 18. All dining centers except Allison will be open from 4:45pm - 7pm on Sunday, March 19. Normal meal hours will resume on March 20.
Overfacilitation
March06
Financing Your Student's Education at CSU
Healthier & Safer Spring Break
Considering a Move Off Campus
Legal issues-Moving Off Campus